a letter to you

and you can make your words sound pretty
but did you know that i can see through them all

(which, i guess, would be a cool song lyric. but random musings aside...)

space

almost two hundred of us packed into this small bit of space, however vertical it may be, mugging maths and rushing group work, sitting in front of coms and typing away, type type type. did you know that keyboards are disgustingly dirty? i'm serious, try cleaning yours now. i did so over the weekend. eww. it's no wonder everyone's falling sick, not only the fact that they're all suddenly living alone in a place no one but themselves takes care of, there's also the element of

time

it's two weeks into the new year and nothing's slow and nothing's stopping to let you breathe - quizes and tests all lined up, assignments already overdue - done them all, done them all. tutorials are becoming compulsory now, we have to hand everyhing up. what are you aiming for this sem - 3.5, 4.0, 4.5? you need a 3 (was it?) to get into med school. personally i don't really care, though many people do, and i care about them, and hence i do. do i? questions questions. maybe i'm thinking too much and trying too hard to not let go

of it all

sometimes you need to stop after it all and turn around and look back. sometimes you've got to think about the past and not only look to the future. but if you spend too much time walking backwards you'll have no idea where you're going, and fall off the track - that imaginary line that was painted by so many before you. do you care, really? of course you do. of course you don't. why follow what others say? because it's right, because it's left, because it's so that you won't be left behind - maybe one day you could try walking sideways instead. it's actually just as efficient just slightly uncomforable after some time. and maybe someone passing by overhead might mistake you for a crab and throw rocks at you from the 20th floor.

that would hurt.

afterall, that's what we're afraid of, right? hurting - the consequences of our actions. someone once told me that we do everything we do because of the consquences, if not, no one would do the right thing. and maybe that's right though i'm not really sure because personally i've never really thought about it and reached a proper conclusion. why do i do what's right? or what's wrong for that matter? what do i do things for? what am i here for? existential cockroach. crazy lamppost.

and you can tell me that i'm crazy that it was stupid to believe all this in the first place but i won't listen. because the answers are buried and covered and kept so far away that it'll be so long until i find out for sure. but maybe, just maybe, after that i'll listen. i'll listen to what you have to say. although whether it'll be possible to listen is another matter altogether.

everything's changed, everything's the same but just next to the things they used to be. the opposite and flipped around. mirrored. today i spent 6 hours staring at my face in a mirror in the art room, trying to translate the all-too-familiar lines and shapes and shades onto black and white and grey, pencil marks and eraser dust scratching onto paper. it's the world of an art major now. how strange. the enjoyment seems to drift some distance from our boat,

and i realise that you have jumped ship.

a tiny bit of me is afraid. no, quite a big bit actually. the waves are growing taller and taller, tossing the sky about. the stars are jerked out of place.

and i'll be your sky.

clutching at the last few shreds of today. this day. before the next one comes. i need to read up and revise on this and that and this again. and what would we do without google.

(and what would i do without you)